Hey mate, if you ever need someone to chat with to help dismantle the WMD that is ticking over in your thoughts, give a shout out. It can be really therapeutic to have someone just be there to listen without judgement. As for going to hospital, asking for help, seeking support; these are acts of courage, not weakness. The one constant in life is that time waits for no one. Have the test and put the barrage of 'what ifs' to rest. All the best buddy.
Bless you anon xx
Tomorrow is the first of September.
I have a 6am yoga class booked.
I’ve made all my meals for the week which are nutritious and yummy.
Tomorrow is a new day, new month and new beginnings.
All the pain I’m feeling I will put into my yoga class and be thankful for Buddhas blessings.
Good vibes and positive outlook.
So this seems to be my only outlet of expressing myself these days.
Here we go.
I find myself slipping into my thoughts and being drawn away from reality too often. My head is a dangerous minefield waiting to explode.
Since taking heart medication I have struggled so much emotionally and physically to get back to the old me.
Emotionally in the fact that I’m becoming very teary and old feelings of depression are seeping their way in and growing like vines.
Physically because I’m lacking energy and my chest pains are taking over my sleep, causing me to wake in great amounts of discomfort. I refuse to go to the hospital and be seen as weak. The medication made me gain weight and if anyone knows me well enough, they would know after years of being tormented and bent to believe that size zero is perfection, this is my hardest battle. Everyday I want to cry and rip a knife into my skin and take out the weight I’ve gained. Its suffocating me and making me feel ugly and worthless. I can’t get my skinny jeans on and clothes that used to fall off me are now tight.
I’m too scared to go and get these tests done to see if I have cancer, I don’t want to deal with it. I wish I had someone to go with me and hold my hand. But I’m alone.
I have a few friends but not the type I would call in the middle of the night crying and asking them to come over… hence why I let my emotions bottle up and explode on my dashboard.
Monday is the first of September.
I have made a plan.
I’m going to start doing the 6am yoga class everyday which will help my body and mind.
I will learn to self rely again and depend only on myself since everyone I think I can trust, breaks it. Anyone I open my heart to leaves.
I will stop giving in to the false idealisations and manipulations people are feeding me lately.
I will book these tests and pretend they are just regular check ups.
This is the plan.
I got some beautiful new crystals today so lots of meditation and focusing on getting better.
Its my only hope.
I just wish I had a friend I could talk to.